Disney Teen Queens

{Warning: Some of the links included are legit links, and some of them just go to Wikipedia articles, because as you all know – my favorite boredom buster is clicking links in Wiki articles.}

I admit it, I am a sucker for Disney. Their factory made teen princesses make me green with envy – they’re all pretty (obviously) and are triple threats: singing, acting and dancing. They also all seem to be “normal” girls who are intelligent for their age and come from seemingly good, regular families.

Also – they are money-making MACHINES. If you’re lucky enough to be tapped to do a Disney show, you can do no wrong. Everything you touch will turn to gold (most of which you will never see because Disney will get most of the profit, but still).

I’ve often joked with my parents about how they are awful for making me miss the Disney bandwagon as a youngster. On more than one occasion I’ve whined to my dad, “Couldn’t you have sold my soul to the mouse? I could be FAMOUS right now!”

He is never amused.

{Disclaimer: My parents are really NOT actually awful.}

But in the wake of the news that one of my favorite Disney debs is in rehab (Miss Demi Lovato) I am beginning to re-evaluate my jealousy of these girls.  They all seem to have had issues in some form or another and Disney seems more apt at churning out dysfunctional hot messes than bona-fide superstars.


Let’s discuss.

Britney started her career at the House of Mouse on the Mickey Mouse Club, along with Justin Timberlake, Christina Agularia and a few other of today’s jet-set. She struck out on her own at age 16 with “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and was an instant success. Every song she released did phenomenal, and every album hit the Billboard Charts in the top spots, and every concert tour sold out.  She seems like just a simple country girl from Louisiana, who is sticking to her sugary sweet roots. She dated JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE! Could she get any luckier?

Apparently not. After breaking up with the hottest guy ever Mr. Timberlake, she moved on to K-Fed, appeared in a home video completely high out of her mind (… either she’s high or really, really stupid – I like to think she was high), popped out two kids, shaved her head, attacked a guy with an umbrella and basically went batshit crazy. The entire world thought her career was over.

And then, she came back. She blew up all over again. However, the poor girl still can’t be with her kids without supervision, and can’t handle her own finances (and there is a LOT of money there that she isn’t allowed to touch). 

After she fulfilled her Disney obligations (Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen), she went on to star in Mean Girls which shot her out of the Disney park and into the Hollywood big leagues. She was the talk of the town, but teenage boys falling in love with her and grown men counting down until she turned 18. She hosted SNL and was FANTASTIC every time. Hollywood veterans have claimed that she is a brilliant actress. And she’s got an eye for design – putting together lines for her own handbag and leggings (ok that’s weird) lines.

But – this poor girl can’t keep her shit together. Her family life is a mess, she had a pretty severe eating disorder at one point and was wasting way to nothing – and oh – uhm, she is constantly high or drunk. She’s been to rehab THREE times. 

She’s currently hanging out at the fames Betty Ford Center in Southern California following a couple of arrests and a few alcohol/drug related probation violations, and supposedly has been doing much better. 

Ok, you are probably sitting there thinking a) Who the hell is Hilary Duff, or b) She hasn’t been effed by the Disney curse, but just listen.

Hil started on Disney Channel as Lizzie McGuire – cute little blonde girl with chubby cheeks and an adorable smile. After 3 seasons (and 1 movie) Lizzie McGuire was finished (which is typical for Disney). But Hilary stayed on with the Disney Channel – filming a few Disney Channel Original Movies (DCOMs). She made a couple of “regular” movies (e.g., movies that were released to movie theaters), but nothing too spectacular. For the most part, she stayed out of the spotlight and kept a low profile until she got a little older. When she hit her teens, Hilary went from being an adorable chubby cheeked kid to a super skinny walking bobblehead. Not so adorable anymore, huh? Due to Hilary’s relatively low-profile with the media, by the time she made her foray into the music world, she had regained some of her weight and people assumed she had just “lost baby fat”, but has admitted in an interview with Us Weekly that she “became obsessed with her weight” in 2005 and weighed just 100lbs. 

So far though, Hilary seems to have stayed away from extreme craziness. She recently got married to an NHL hockey player, and had a guest role on Community (which is an amazing show, btw). And – she’s still kind of irrelevant.

Vanessa, like Hilary Duff, might be gaining a few “Who the hell is that”s right about now. But trust me – you’ve heard of her. 

Vanessa started as a Disney Channel extra, taking minor roles in lots of Disney shows before landing her big role as the female lead in High School Musical in 2005. In 2006 she released her first solo album (not affiliated with Disney, BTW) and did fairly well for herself, taking home a Teen Choice Award in 2007 for Breakout Female Artist and having her album voted the 7th best album of the year by Billboard.  She reprised her High School Musical role in the 2 subsequent flicks, and went on to be loved and adored by tween girls all over the country (and also hated, because she’s dating Zac Efron – yum).

And then – Vanessa let her love for Zac get a little out of hand. And, apparently, she doesn’t learn from her mistakes. In 2007 AND 2009 some not-so-Disney-friendly photos of Vanessa hit the internet. The world was aghast – how could this adorable Disney chicklet do something so … skanky? Vanessa took a lot of heat for what she did, but Disney stood by her. As the female lead in their ridiculously lucrative film franchise, they didn’t have much of a choice.

In 2006 Miley Cyrus, daughter of Achy-Breaky Billy Ray Cyrus, was tapped to play Miley Stewart/Hannah Montana for a new Disney Channel show. The show took off, and by the end of the first season both Miley Cyrus/Stewart and Hannah Montana were household names. Disney decided to do the Best of Both Worlds concert tour, which would feature Miley Cyrus as both herself AND her character, Hannah Montana/Miley Stewart. Disney made a KILLING off of Miley Cyrus and her squeaky-clean, average, relatable girl image. 

Miley, however, didn’t seem to enjoy playing little miss nice girl, and on numerous occasions was reportedly feuding with other Disney gals, Demi Lovato & Selena Gomez (who, at the time, were BFFs) while backed (some of these videos are hilarious) by her back-up dancer turned BFF Mandy Jiroux. 

From there, Miley dated her underwear model boyfriend and tried desperately to shed her Disney image. She started dressing waaay too mature for her age. When she was 16, some very risque photos of Miley hit the internet. Disney stuck by their gal (probably because she was making them boatloads of money), and the whole thing blew over. 

Miley managed to foray nicely from Disney TV, into her own singing career (not backed by Disney) and into movies. She dated the UBER-HOT Liam Hemsworth for a while (who she foolishly broke up with) and has been relatively drama free ever since. (Her parents did just announce they are getting divorced though.)

So – all of these lovely, upstanding young ladies, bring us to the newest Disney starlet to see tough times:

Demi Lovato

Demi was previously known as Selena Gomez’s best friend, until Disney gave her her own show, movie franchise, and record deal (she is a phenom. singer!). Her show, Sonny With A Chance, followed the now typical Disney route and got super popular, super quick.  Demi seemed to fit the Disney cookie-cutter mold of cute girl-next-door. There were some low rumblings about Demi possibly having some “cutting” issues, but they were quickly dismissed by her people and she remained pretty scandal free.

Then, early last week news hit that Demi had admitted herself to rehab for “physical and emotional issues”, cutting short her tour with the Jonas Brothers (including ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas, who’s been jet-setting with new girlfriend Ashley Greene).

Since Demi’s camp refused to give a straight answer, there was lots of speculation about what Demi was trying to figure out in rehab. There were rumors of a fist-fight between Demi and one of the backup dancers, in addition to talk about Demi being unable to cope with Joe flaunting his new girlfriend around the globe. Most seemed to settle on Demi dealing with eating disorders and the rumored cutting.

Then today, November 10, 2010 reports hit that when Demi was just 17 years old, she returned to her hometown after a concert and partied with some friends. She was apparently doing lines of cocaine “like a pro” and swigging booze straight out of the bottle. Apparently someone who was at the party with her is shopping around a video of her doing lines in a bathroom and shouting to party guests that she is better than all of them because she’s famous.

Her reps are still declining to comment.

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So I guess, we’re just going to have to wait and see what happens with Demi Lovato and the rest of the Disney starlets. There are a few who, to date, seem to doing a really good job at keeping their noses clean: Selena Gomez (well, aside from the rumored feud that’s developed between her & former BFF Demi), Ashley Tisdale (with the exception of the fuss people caused about her nose job) and Brenda Song have been keeping their heads down and staying out of trouble.