Apparently, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have announced today that, after 7 years of marriage, they will be getting a divorce.
Uhm – yeah, obviously.
Jennifer Lopez is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous.
Marc Anthony looks kind of like the guy from Hocus Pocus who comes back from the dead (Billy Butcherson), except even skinnier and more dead looking. (You caught me – I am not a fan.)
So it comes as no surprise that, after 7 years of waking up every day and looking at basically a living skeleton, she decided she wanted out.
AND – Marc Anthony was clearly the rebound dude. Jennifer Lopez had just ended her relationship with my ultimate crush – pretty much the only guy on my “list” – Ben Affleck. (What “list” am I referring to? The relationship rule that says, essentially, that if you meet one of your celebrity crushes – aka, someone on your “list” -, you get to hook up with them, and your significant other can’t get mad because – dude, you just hooked up with a celebrity! Also, I’ve recently added Matthew Lewis to my list).
So, after her split with God’s gift to women, J.Lo was probably obviously suffering from what I like to refer to as “pretty girl syndrome,” or PGS.
What is PGS? Well – let me educate you, plebeians.
All women are insecure. That’s why we wear makeup, and jewelry, and pretty clothes and perfume. I don’t care how naturally stunning you are – there is always an inkling of doubt in your mind. It just happens. It’s nature, it sucks. But whatever. We’re insecure. And the prettiest girls are usually the most insecure of them all. I think this is probably because they know that, as pretty girls, they are being held to a standard of greatness higher than average or non-pretty girls, and thus they are constantly cognizant of their appearance, and how others perceive them.
So what does this have to do with Skeletor & J.Lo? Well – J.Lo had just been dumped by Ben Affleck because she was too much drama. And she needed to feel back on top. In charge. In control. So she made the most classic PGS move ever – she dated down. Because when a pretty girl dates down, she automatically has a dude that will do anything for her, no questions asked.
And sure – Marc Anthony is a celebrity in his own right. But he’s fugly – there is simply no way around that. And when a fugly guy has a chance with a hot girl, he is going to do whatever it takes. I mean, she’s JENNIFER FREAKING LOPEZ! It’s not like some regular pretty girl walked up to him and asked him for an autograph – J.Lo freaking hollered! And… dude, he’s gross.
So – Jennifer dated, and ultimately married, Skeletor. And for 7 years, she’s had a super rich dude wrapped around her little finger. And apparently, recently, she woke up and realized – uhm, hi – I’m JENNIFER LOPEZ, not Bellatrix Lastrange, and I deserve someone that doesn’t look like death warmed over.
So, they split.
And I am clearly not surprised.